I'm Content with Losing.

Hm.. haven't listened to underOATH in a while. 

I've been pretty stressed and sleep-deprived lately so listening to some screamo proves helpful.

I've been swamped with work and I don't think anything's going to let up any time soon. This past week, I've had an exam I'm sure I've done badly on and I have a bunch of projects that I need to do before this weekend because well, I'll be scanning items for a collective 15 hours with an extra 3 hours to listen to workplace gibberish that I probably won't understand. Oh well, I'll get paid.

It kinda feels like ...I'm in this little room with everything converging into this dark, dense mass and the door's locked. I'm suffocating under all this work and pressure and all the other trivial crap I have to deal with and there's no way out. These next 2 months will certainly feel like hell. 

I've been having an average of 3-5 hours of sleep a night for the past 2 weeks. Coffee's starting to have no effect on me and I've been feeling fatigued more quickly and more often. I know I need a decent amount of hours but it just doesn't seem like I'll get any for the next few weeks. If only there wasn't a strike. I would've felt this crappy feeling 2 months ago but look forward to the beginning of April, when I was supposed to be done everything and not want to jump off a bridge. 

This is pretty reminiscent of how I felt last year during yearbook. We'd all be working so hard for not only the book itself, but with our other subjects. Balance that with a part time job and having friends tell you you didn't have enough time for them or have people you generally liked begin to hate you and stab you in the back. 

I hate recalling feelings like that. Even though it's all over and done with, one little thing can trigger how shitty you felt on that one certain day... but then it's doubled because you're feeling that way you felt back then today. 

I've noticed that I've been getting more bitter and annoyed with a lot of things. I think I just need some time to myself where I don't have to think about school or work or other people. I think I need to go to church or something. Need to clear my head. I feel kind of intolerant with certain things and people now... but maybe because I'm just so used to them. 

I think I sometimes hate presumptions people make about certain people. Like, if you're generally happy, you're automatically the happy person and you're not allowed to be sad. You always have to laugh and put on a show for everyone so then they too can be happy. I remember in grade 9, there was this one time where I was extremely depressed for a few months. One day in art class, someone noticed and said, "hey, what's wrong? Don't be sad! You're never sad!" 

My mind's all scrambled now. I guess I should get back to work... maybe I'll actually have some time to sleep or just not think about all the wrong things that are happening.

The End. 

Some sense of security.

So I got my exam over with yesterday. I thought I wouldn't be able to squeeze in some more studying before the exam, but my prof for my morning class tends to leave for long periods of time... very often. He also tends to end class 2 hours or more before we're supposed to leave. I don't really mind that... I have the same prof Thursday evenings and that means I get to go home earlier. 

The exam wasn't too bad... I know I'm not going to get 100% but at least I knew some things. A girl in my program left the exam after 20 minutes because she said she just couldn't think of anything to say. She apparently tried to study for a week but nothing sank in. No offense, but hearing that kinda made me feel a bit better about my situation. Does that make me a bad person?

I was at work for the first time in a week. It wasn't too bad. I didn't screw up and I got to leave an hour earlier. That was perfect because I was able to go to the bookstore and use up the rest of my Indigo gift card. I bought a Sarah Dessen novel, The Watchmen Graphic novel compilation and a bag. The total was only 69 cents less than what was left on the card. It was originally $75 but my brother and I used some of it on Saturday. 

Oh so as I said in earlier entries, I watched Watchmen with my little brother on Saturday. IT WAS FREAKING EPIC. Like, wow. I loved how complex the storyline was and the characters were really interesting. What I think I liked the most was the fact that it wasn't like any other typical superhero movie I've seen. It was darker and more real. I read some of the graphic novel when I got home today and wow, the movie's pretty damn close to it. Some of the things they say in the movie are exactly what they say in the graphic novel. So yeah... I'm kinda obsessed with this movie now. I've already bought the graphic novel and I got myself a Rorschach poster too. I'm also planning to get a Rorschach action figure... although, it might be sold out because he's really, really popular... >.<

I realized while watching that movie how much more desensitized to violence I am. I'm sure if I watched a movie like that last year, I would've freaked out and covered my eyes. There were parts where I actually laughed. I told my brother the parts that I thought were funny and he goes, "what? why were you laughing? That was a really bad part!" I'm turning into a sadist, aren't I?

I checked my marks for my visual language and typography class. I basically got the marks that I knew I was going to get. I'm no psychic. It's not that hard to find out your final mark when you get the same grade for every single project. 

I finally made some purin. I've been craving some ever since I went fabric shopping with my friends. We went to a Japanese restaurant that sold some and well, it kinda sucked. I was surprised because when I had some at that place before, it was really good. Probably got a trainee to make them. How sad.

I'm so sleepy. But I need to get some design homework done. It probably won't take too long. 

Kay... need to refrigerate my purin and get some designing done!

The End.

The Death of Me.

So I'm procrastinating once again. I apologize for not providing you with an extensive update on my life. I apologize again for disappointing you once more. 

I have a midterm exam tomorrow and I think I only know... 40% of the content? It's my fault. I haven't been trying in this class. It's a mandatory course all fine arts kids have to take to get their respective degrees. I guess it's supposed to aid in the appreciation of different facets of art... but I haven't really seen anything pertaining to design. It's mostly dance and music. Kinda biased if you ask me. 

I'm not looking for a 90 in this class... not even an 80. Hell I would honestly be happy with a 70 in this class. Well, for this midterm... I'd be happy with a 60. I'm not going to lie. 

I'll update some more Tuesday night. That'll probably be the last time I'll be at peace for days to come. I'm so not looking forward to Friday. 4 straight days at work. Shoot me now. Please. 

Back to studying. 

The End.

Hot Knives.

So I was randomly looking through my horoscope... and holy crap it's so freaking accurate. 

Suddenly things are coming to a head for you, dear Gemini. The drama is escalating, and you are not sure if you can remember all of your lines. Take things one step at a time. Deal with the issues as they come. If you get a head of yourself, you might get overwhelmed by what you fear will be more daunting of a situation than you can handle. Don't sweat the small stuff. 

I'm too tired/lazy to write a full entry. It will probably be extensive and a good, long read once I get to writing it. 

I'll just say, I screwed up (as per usual) today but God was being generous and gave me a chance so I'm not out of the running yet. Quite ambiguous... I know. More explanation tomorrow. 

I'm gonna watch Watchmen with my brother tomorrow! Then we're gonna get some books and I'm treating him to lunch. woooooot! 

I need to study for my midterm. It's this Tuesday and I'm so screwed right now. Oh well, just need to pass. I love how motivated I am. 

The End.

Way to go.

Via remindyourself.

Came across these a few months ago. Although they're pretty obvious, they're really good to look at when you feel like crap. Been looking at these alot lately. 

Possible entry later on today... after I actually accomplish something.

The End.

Another Day In Paradise.

The title should be read with an air of sarcasm. That way, it'll be an apt representation of my day/week.

Don't want to get into much detail. Just need to rant. The next few lines will most likely feature some self-deprecation , profanity and emo crap. You've been warned.

So I'm a total screw-up. I've been trying my best not to be, but I always end up screwing up even more. To be nerdy for a second: have you watched/read D. Gray-man? I feel like Miranda Lotto before becoming an exorcist. Except, in my case, there's not going to be an innocence powered clock, rewinding town... or me becoming an exorcist. I would totally rather be killing demons than doing what I do right now. I've been feeling like shit lately. I don't really want to tell too many people because I'm sure they have other things to worry about than my pathetic life. Right now, I feel like I've reached a place where I've screwed-up so much and I won't amount to anything because of all the things I've fucked up on in the past. I hate being so lazy and just so fucking stupid. I can't seem to help it... which is a really bad sign. I'd like to change but every time I try to do that, I end up giving up. FML. 

I've been listening to certain songs and looking stuff up to make me feel better. I've started watching more shows online in an attempt to make me laugh my troubles away. I've watched Crows ZERO a total of 6 times so far... mostly because when I get pissed. I take joy in watching people kick other people's asses. 

So I suppose that's the end of ranting. 

Time to think positively. Yeah, let's try that. 

 

I'm getting paid tomorrow. I'm probably gonna get alot since I've worked more than 30 hours these last 2 weeks. 

My uncle sent me a confirmation form of the hotel room my friends and I are gonna share at anime north. 

This Friday is the day where we have to claim tables for anime north. 

I don't have work for one week.

My brother and I are gonna watch The Watchmen this Saturday, followed by book shopping and eating out for lunch. I don't get to hang out as much with my brother because of school and work so I'm really glad that he wanted to watch this movie just with me. Although... It could be the fact that it's an R rated movie and I could get the tickets no problem,  but let's just assume it's because he wants to spend time with me. 

My second semester classes are starting tomorrow. I get a new start and maybe I can break my streak of being a fuck up. 

My piercing doesn't really hurt anymore. 

Right when I got home feeling like crap, my friend sent me a super long email in response to the emails and messages I've sent her. That made me feel so much better.

Wow, this made me feel alot better too. I apologize for all the swearing. I can't eat any candy because I gave up junkfood for Lent. This will probably be the only way I can cope with stress... and sugar deprivation.

And now, I need food. Then I have to attempt to make notes for a midterm I'm having next Tuesday. Pray for me. 

The End.